SYTYCD Beat: Praising Jesus... Solorio

So without even getting too deep into the fuckedupness of the whole So You Think You Can Dance elimination system, I think it's important we all take a moment to meditate on how FUCKED UP it is that Jesus (Chuy) Solorio - my man, my mountain, my DANCER - had to be the one to go home last night.

It's completely crazy because, hello, we all know that Danny Tidwell is an enormous jerk, and given the extensive history of jerk ballet boys on SYTYCD (Blake from season 1; Travis from season 2) there is no way Danny is going to win. (I mean he started laughing in their faces when they told him he was in the bottom three. That's like Intermediate to Advanced Level Assholery right there. And don't get me started on the fact that he and Debbie Allen, one of the guest judges, have worked together in the past, a.k.a. THIS SHIT WAS RIGGED.)

I also love how the judges keep kidding themselves into thinking this is about good dancers. You don't put a talent show on television and expect it to be about talent! Come on!



Ugh! But Jesus! So sweet! And an inspiration! I mean, were his jazz hands a little flamboyant during that weird Wade Robson Triplets of Bellville faux-Butoh "Cabaret" number? Yes. Did he have as much technical training as the other two guys? No, but - as he so slyly pointed out to racist old Nigel Lithgow - those two other guys also didn't grow up in a migrant town where the only plie-ing one got to do was done while standing in wooden barrels. Surrounded by grapes. That your people have just picked. To make wine. Wait--that joke didn't work. But you get my point!

Point being: if SYTYCD keeps on this path its been keeping on, they're about to lose me. This path's characteristics include:

1. Really condescending, half-way racist remarks ("You're like a little Ailey girl!" subtext: "You are a decent, female dancer of color and there is absolutely no place for you in the professional dance world, so any actual comments or critiques I give you would be completely wasted!" OR "You were born to do the Paso Doble!" subtext: "You're latino!" OR "I understand why [this random B-boy] is so cocky! He comes from a place where you have to be cocky to survive!" subtext: "People from the ghetto -where I seem to think breakdancing is generally practiced when in fact it isn't - are aggressive and scary. They need our sensitivity and intelligence. We must teach the savages civility!" etc. etc.)

2. Wade Robson more or less ripping off some famous shit, and having everyone call him a genius. (That's like me reciting the Illiad in a French accent while wearing a pair of JNCOs and being like, "Guys. Check out this poem I wrote.")

3. Faking like America's votes really matter when its really the judges calling the shots. Then they get mad at us when no one votes! What's the point? You're just going to get rid of all the people we actually want to see anyway, when really what we wanted you to do was get rid of their lame-ass partner!

Ricky should not have left the first week. It's fucked up you voted the girl off after she came back from the hospital and still danced the shit out of that chacha for you. You should've gotten rid of Cedric when you had the chance (Sanjaya echoes, anyone?). I didn't care too much about that guy who left last week, but it was still fucked up that you kept Cedric over him, so really Mary I don't know what you're getting all sassy about. You were apart of the team that chose his ass in the first place, so really you should be apologizing--not embarrassing him on live television.

Okay, wow this was supposed to be a one-paragraph post...

So I conclude: Listen, Jesus Solorio, if you're reading this, if you're ever in Brooklyn or NYC and need, like, a futon to sleep on or a free drink, give humangold a ring on the cellular phone or drop us an e-mail. We will TAKE YOU OUT. We will DANCE WITH YOU. It's literally the very least we could do. You inspire us!

And now for a mini Jesus retrospective: