Hollerdays

Since I spent the day listening to Tango in the Night, I thought I would leave you, my friends, with this excellent cover.

boo yeah

I don't know guys, we tried to send you all a special "happy holidays" email yesterday but like 30 email addresses bounced back to us. Then I was too drunk to fix it, because the office closed early yesterday and I went to a tiki bar to get drunk with my boss.

God rest ye merry gentlemen. Kiki out.

xoxoxo

what is going on with my brain right now:

see the previous post re: tired, stressed out, in need of inspiration

BTW PEOPLE

I don't care if this is fake.

Kulture Korner: Science & Steely Dan

iTunes source names "God" and "abe lincoln money shot" have, despite obviously different taste in names, very similar taste in music: lots of Guster, Ben Folds Five, Gin Blossoms, and Black Eyed Peas; a couple Beatles, Aerosmith, and assorted classic rock best-ofs (that end up having very similar tracklists); and a handful of arbitrary Tupac, Dr. Dre, and Biggie tracks. As the day progresses, research proves that those of completely different naming sensibilities nonetheless share at least one significant feature; this researcher, for one, never fails to be impressed by the collective shittiness of NYU's musical sensibilities.

As for me, when I get stressed out, exhausted, or in need of inspiration, I put on my headphones and listen to "Peg" several times in a row, lean over my computer and close my eyes so that nothing distracts from the aural rays of sex that Donald Fagen, Walter Becker, and (especially) Michael McDonald send into to the center of my head.

Here is a pertinent conversation:

Melody Nelson: ps - i think "kid charlemagne" might be more utterly un-fuck-withable than classic... but that's me. "DID YOU FEEL LIKE JESUS? / DID YOU REALIZE / THAT YOU WERE A CHAMPION IN THEIR EYES?"
[...]
Eagles: DID YOU FEEL LIKE JESUS!!!!
yes!
[...]
E: IS THERE GAS IN TYHE CARRRR
IS THERE GASSS INNNN THHHEEE CCARRRRR?
[...]
E: crossed a diamond with a pearl?
lsd.
ITS THE END OF SIXTIES IDEALISM.
YET AGAIN>
MN: AND THE ENTRANCE OF COCAINE
E: once again.
good you had no idea what a state i was in last night with the live record.
give it you.
you cry.
its so good.
MN: TELL ME: WHERE ARE YOU DRIVING / MIDNIGHT CRUSIER?
THIS IS THE BEST LISTENING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE FUCK
E: FINALS
its like that.
where is your bounty of fortune and fame?\
i am another gentleman loser
drive me to harlem or somehwere the same.....
MN: yeah, i think finals make me especially emotionally sensitive to lyrics about the end of sixties idealism and the start of cocaine
E: i think its all the caffiene.
MN: no, i think it is steely dan
simply
E: touche.
walter becker get your balls out of my ears.

You Guys

WASABI CHALLENGE

Okay. So one thing you can do to impress a bunch of people you don't know that well at a friend's birthday party is PUT SOMETHING REALLY SPICY IN YOUR MOUTH.

If You Wanna Kiss the Sky

You guys, is this the best song ever? I feel so confused.

You Guys

thing I learned today

I am kinda the Pina Bausch of pouting.




um...thats a good thing, right?

You Guys

It is so boring to be sick!!!!!!!!

Anyway, one thing you can do if you are sick and got nothing else to do is drink more cough medicine than you probably are supposed to.

Just thought you should know that THIS PARTY NEVER STOPS.

"C-C-C-C-COOOOOVER ME" b/w "U.S.-U.S.-U.-U.-S.A."

Eagles and I had an email conversation that mostly consisted of us quoting a certain titular lyric back and forth, and although she has not yet responded to my final question ("should i post this to the blog???") I decided that sometimes you just have to act, especially when the motivating material is THIS GOOD and SLIGHTLY EMBARRASSING. The motivating material in question is at the bottom of this post: Bruce Springsteen's "Cover Me (Undercover Mix)" by Arthur Baker. The story goes that in the '80s the Boss felt that his bossiness wasn't quite reaching as large an audience as he would like; so he commissioned Arthur Baker, a DJ perhaps best known ('round these parts anyway) for his work with New Order, to remix a couple songs from said Boss' new album Born in the U.S.A. with the goal of circulating them in dance clubs. And ooooh man are they good. And I suppose that 2007 is the ideal time for these pseudo-lost remixes to be rediscovered (or reappraised, whichever) since everyone digs Springsteen these days anyway, even the Arcade Fire who toured with LCD Soundsystem, so what I'm trying to say is, yeah, sure, give me Bruce's voice overdubbed straight to hell and looping back to earth; give me that organ, but punch it up with some latin house piano, would ya; and also give me a really intense female backing chorus if you have one. And, oh, do you mind replacing the sax solo with a squiggly synthesizer? That would be great. And it is great, cos that is exactly what Arthur Baker does.

While double-tasking the writing and researching of this post, I found THREE MORE remixes by Arthur Baker, all of the glorious title song, "Born in the U.S.A.": a radio mix; a FREEDOM MIX (WTF); and a DUB MIX (HOLY FUCKING SHIT). You can also find the dub mix below, which really ups the ante in terms of SHEER AWESOMENESS mixed with a profound sense of SHAME.





I don't have much to say on the second one, except I'm convinced that there is a total psychic dissonance caused by the fact that the intro sounds almost just like New Order's "Blue Monday," except that when you know you are listening to a remix of Bruce Springsteen (I really can't stress how strange a phenomenon this is, people) there is something that appears very wrong and very right in the exact same capacity. Like, I sat in my bedroom blasting it, thinking, "YEEEEESSSSSS," (most of my thoughts boil down to this honestly), and then I remembered that my roommate went to college in Jersey, so I suddenly felt kinda bad, like I was making him re-live something he didn't want to in dub form. Let us know yr experience!

re:butt hash/palate cleanser

this is like the sorbet course.
whatever.
they found a its a cow dinosaur.
mesozoic cow

Everything You See is Butt Hash

You guys. I'm sorry, but I have to tell you about "butt hash", which is the street name for this new drug. Is it a hoax? I do not know. I am merely the messenger. Bringing you tidings of BUTT HASH.

Cream Puffs Are the Shit

I have no problem blogging about this. Cream puffs are the shit. Absolutely. Once every couple weeks several half-eaten boxes of them appear in the front of the office. Vanilla, chocolate, and sometimes a special flavor like pumpkin. I just got to eat a chocolate one... I think vanilla is actually a better flavor for a cream puff but I will not be picky.

kulture korner: records that i will buy tomorrow

It is worth noting that roughly 1 minute and 20 seconds into "The Electrician" off of the new Sightings record (OMFG), they start to sound like Brian Eno ca. Taking Tiger Mountain (By Strategy), except from the bottom of a shark tank, and except that Robert Fripp is trying to frippertronic away from a giant shark, but he is covered in fresh meat and he knows that all he can do is carry on with his Frippery self. YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!1!!!1!

help

Last night I had another dream where Slash and I are hanging out and maybe falling a little bit in love with each other. I don't really know what to do with this trend in sleeping.

Special Foxes

I'm not really sure what sort of band is called "Special Foxes" but I am thinking about it a lot.

Genius Rock God

So, what I want to know is who wrote this in the women's bathroom at Sake Bar Decibel? WHO? Not that we of the Human Blog disagree in any way, but it's pretty rare to see Robert Pollard graffiti in the ladies room (right?).

I feel so inspired.

Happy Halloween From Human Gold

The Real Ghostbusters: Ragnarok and Roll

Season 2, episode 16, in which a "depressed young man uses a magical flute to bring about the end of the world".

"Ragnarok and Roll" has to be like, my favorite play on words EVER.

The Real Ghostbusters: Sandman

"Mr. Sandman, Dream Me a Dream" (Episode #107, aired 10/25/1986):

The Sandman arrives in New York and attempts to put everyone to sleep for five hundred years. And with every person put to sleep, their dreams become real. Can the Ghostbusters stop the Sandman or will they fall asleep with the rest of the city?

The Real Ghostbusters: Samhain or Sam Hain?

"One of the only recurring villains is Samhain. He first appears in the episode "When Halloween was Forever". In the episode, he is released from his captivity by two goblins on Halloween. Once set free, he sends his minions all over New York. His plan is to make Halloween an eternal night that will last forever all over the world. Just before the world falls under his evil reign, the Ghostbusters put a stop to him and his terror. He is placed within the ecto-containment unit where it is assumed that he would stay."

-Wikipedia

Excellent Resumes (or "How to Construct a Real-Ass Sentence")

"I chose to apply to this company because of its direct relation to music or audio and media processing and programming networks and operating systems, which is in relation to my intended major, music....
I am exceptionally incentive as well as discerning, Having been an office worker for three years and having had excelling and detailed knowledge of the dealings of the company, a key component, has been a major influence in the decisions that I have made while working there....
While working it was necessary to be perceptive, informed, and knowledgeable as well as organized and collaborative, all qualities that I have attained and ameliorated. Such qualities were helpful on several occasions such as double tasking or working during unexpected events...."

Human Gold Corp Annual Retreat

Hey. We all just got back from the Human Gold Corporation's Annual Office retreat. Here's a picture we took after a trust-building exercise:

Kultural Kiki: Deeply Twee

A cupcake prize to anyone who guesses the band that I rediscovered (for the like, 10th time) last night and got so excited about listening to that I could not sleep.

(Clues are in post title and labels. Should be enough.)

Temporary tats?

Maybe instead of getting a tattoo, I can get one of these contraptions placed under my skin so that I will be a walking piece of barfin' art. (Note: there is no barfin' in the video, unless yr one of those types who barfs with joy, like our hockey friend a couple entries back.)

freudian dick... i mean slip

i just wrote "aesthetic tragedy" when i meant to write "aesthetic strategy." COINCKY-DINK?

great moments in cinema

If I was twelve I would think that this was the best movie ever made. As it stands I think it might be pretty up there.

kulture vulture: songs that time should forget already, damn!

hot 97, do me this one favor: the next time i turn on the shower radio in my apartment, give me something other to wash my hair to than kanye west's "big brother." it can be anything really. i strongly encourage more ne-yo, which you are often willing to give me, although you are guaranteed to bookend it with "big brother." you could even do a freestyle weekend that riffs or puns off of the relationship one might have to a "big brother," songs such as "two to make it right," "together forever," or two of hearts," and i would even allow a strictly verbal shout out to kanye west's "big brother" as the definite inspiration for such a fine block of radio programming. but this is the thing about "big brother" that y'all at hot 97 must not realize: that song is not good; it never was; its infinite playing does not make it better; in fact, it makes it worse. i cannot sud up to this any longer. i don't know how i ever did.

kulture korner: records that time forgot

Like a stray kitten this called to me. A real good fifty cents spent. The Willie/Waylon cover of Whiter Shade of Pale is simultaneously the most questionable and also the most healing thing I have heard in awhile. Maybe ever. Let the healing begin.

RISA

Risa - Also called Epsilon Ceti B II, located about ninety light-years from Earth, known for its beauty and relaxing tropical atmosphere. It is a world commonly sought by interstellar vacationers and starship crews on shore leave.^[34][35] The planet orbits several stars and its climate is controlled by a weather modification network, with the natural climate being extremely violent. Risians, especially the women, are extremely open and will freely share their planet, and even themselves, with vacationers; a practice known as "Jamaharon".^[36] Perhaps not coincidentally, the fun-loving planet's name is also the Spanish word for "laughter."

from Wikipedia

desire.

cold stone creamery
oreos, brownies and fudge
you tantilize me

she is barf

my dog eats cat barf
the sounds of cats blowing chunks
she waggles so much

More in the way of...

...BARF MANAGEMENT.

I'm sorry but...

This blog has too much power. I cannot handle it.

(Also, Jill Greenberg is a genius.)

So I lied.

Two Ideas

1. bushwiki.org ("like an e-neighborhood you can edit")
2. kikipedia.org (??)

I CAN FEEL IT.

(you might need this in your life. I dunno.)






godbless you Matt Blanks for that.

Good Gorillas

first and only mets blog.

I've avoided blogging about the Mets so far. Mainly because a) the maybe three people who read this blog don't care and b) I don't want you to know what I actually do with my time. But recent events have made me reconsider...slightly... if only to tell you that somebody's name still rhymes with "I love you".

Life Goals: Thurston Moore

Now I know how Thurston Moore writes my name.* Also, please check out how he crossed the "T" in his name with the arrow going through the heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god, I DIE.

(Actually, getting Thurston Moore's autograph is not one of my life goals, but since one of my life goals does involve Thurston Moore this feels pretty good. Also, come on, our names rhyme! What an adorable autograph!)


*thanks Stoney L and Awesome D.

An Example of Barf Management

Sparks Chose Me

Right. So on Friday night I stopped at the store by my house on my way to Band Practice to get a Sparks. Fine, 2 Sparks, whatever. The store seemed really busy, and there were a bunch of girls standing around wearing matching orange tank tops and I realized they were like, a SPARKS PROMOTIONAL TEAM. There was Sparks music playing -- this really awesome "hard rock" song with some dude shouting the words "caffeine.....taurine.....ALCOHOL!!!!!!" over and over again. Just fucking blowing my mind. After I purchased my Sparks they offered me either a Sparks t-shirt (so ugly) or a giant plastic Sparks beaker. Obviously I chose the latter, to feel like a fucking Sparks scientist, and maybe this is how I will create my new, more potent Sparks. Yes? I actually told the Sparks Promotional Team about my idea for a Sparks with more caffeine & taurine and they laughed at me, if you can believe that. I even left out the part about calling it "Sparks Deep Reality" and packaging it in an iridescent or clear can.

some netflix member reviews of "Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses"

this is an awesome movie for kids, i should know because i am 12 years old. i love the Barbie movies; they're so magical and all so full of joy. my two younger sisters really enjoyed this movie. i can't wait to hear what new Barbie movie thy will be making next! Thanks For Listening! ;- ) SEE YA!!

I thought this movie was very interesting. I did not expect some of the things to happen. I highly recomend this movie.

Usally Im not into Barbie flicks, but this was a good film. I would see it over again.

I think that this movie should get someone into watching it especially the ballet and Princess Genevieve and her 11 sisters. I think that the people that worked on this movie should be very proud of themselves because when I watched the movie even though I am 10 and a princess, even people that are old most likely will enjoy it.

early woman stalk tate donovan

I saw Tate Donovan walking on 23rd Street after work yesterday. It was so awesome. If you're going to stalk a random TV celebrity it should totally be Tate Donovan, who was dressed like kind of an idiot and also visibly drunk. I followed him to Fifth Ave, where he stopped into Bank of America to use the ATM, then down Broadway. I wanted to see where he was going, but I lost him in the melee of Union Square.

a haiku

i love oreos
quadruple stuf and much more
lonely black cookies.

more about sparks

I think the problem with Sparks is that I just don't feel like I'm drinking a lightning bolt.

This will be my last Sparks-related blog entry for a while. Thank you.

Cyber Twee

I think this scene already exists. I'm just defining it.

rain-makers

me: i'm on sparks and tylenol pm

eagles: thats like making rain in your body.

me: it's an interesting cocktail

HA

WHAT
YES

12:34 AM eagles: when a high pressure zone and a low pressure zone meet and make rain?

me: you just bleeewwwww my miiinnnndddd

you just made me make the over-stimulated sound

eagles: thats how rain gets made.

heh.

Good Ideas

Um, in case you were wondering, you cannot really light a Chips Ahoy cookie on fire. Shit doesn't burn. We try.

sparks

What's awesome about being a grown-up is that you can drink a Sparks at 4:00 PM on a Sunday if you want to.

Me Jungle

Jungle trip trip jungle go trip jungle go.

good ideas

"woman, we still have to karaoke magic man on our lunch breaks. just to get it out."

green drop drink

Amy want green drop drink.

Something I Said Today

"I'm in a twee hole."

excerpts from our zine 3 ("good ideas")

kik: also, i got inspired by you.

11:12 AM lyd: ????

kik: by your BEAUTIFUL NAILS.

lyd: yeah!

kik: heh. no but really. i decided to give it another shot.

i havena been biting, they're growing a wee bit.

11:13 AM lyd: wee nails

kik: ahhhhhhhh hold on be back in a minute.

7 minutes

11:21 AM lyd: oh. can you put a picture of like sunshine wearing glasses on the email;

11:22 AM kik: wha?

lyd: nothing

11:23 AM kik: that is awesome.

good idea

lyd: thanks;

kik: i thought you meant there was like, an emoticon that was sunshine wearing sunglasses.

lyd: naw i would love that though

.........................................
lyd: i free

thats what i said last night

kik: rubiks cube!

11:30 AM you free?

lyd: soo free

11:31 AM kik: you can embarrass yourself for free

lyd: i shall

kik: leather jeans is a lifestyle.

lyd: it is my life style.

Cliffhanger

I had this intense vision the other day that Lydia and I went to the BedStuy Y tonight to get our gym on, and something really insane and life-changing and maybe dark/deadly happened to us on the walk back. Then, this morning, Lydia gchats with me and is like, "Hey do you still want to go to the gym?" And I'd been meaning to go to the gym with Lydia for about a weekend, but then I had this vision, and so I told her about the vision, and we both kind of freaked out together for a bit (she's been watching a lot of Twin Peaks) and consulted on-line Tarot spreads for hours except they weren't helpful because they were SO VAGUE. But basically we've decided that it is important for us to try and confront this vision tonight, because it's just too weird and there is safety in numbers. Will we be hit by a car? Will someone snipe me? Will we stumble into a tesseract? How does the card NAN NAN BLOCLOU LA FLAMBEAU come into play? Vengeance? Will Vengeance be involved? OMG, please stay tuned!

Highlight Of This Week

Listening to this song like 20+ times a day.

Excerpts from our zine 2

me: it is going to be insane

lydia: more fun then ever

soooo many people

soooo much blues

.......

2:29 PM lydia: talented at being near free beer

me: i am talented at ruling.

i am talented at roman numerals.

lydia: i am talented at sulking

me: heh.

lydia: its truw

i am sulking now

me: TRUW

lydia: truw

i like that!

..........

lydia: 86ed from daddys for a total lack of positivity.

the scene would suffer because of you

and that would be cool

me: i want to make the scene suffer

...........

me:

2:46 PM we were having a dialogue.

lydia: hahahhahahahahaha

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i spit tea out of my mouth a little bit.

.........

me:

no, i think we've dialogued about this before.

lydia: ah

ah

ah

2:48 PM not while im eating

i dunno why i think that word is so funny

me: it's awesome.

i am your ally.

lydia: i canna handle it

YOU ARE MY ALLY!

...............

lydia: i think there are scenes. of information.

me:

making the information scene

.......................

me: we were never a joke band

2:59 PM

lydia: yeah. i get that.....

can we call our zine "we were never a joke band?"

3:00 PM minus all the shit talk.

......................

me: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NOW WAVE3:04 PM lydia: i have good news for the world. there is no such thing as now wave

Excerpts from our zine

lydia: did you guys ever feel like the capricorns were part of a 'scene' even though you were so isolated?

dude!

me:

kind of but not really

lydia: like a nascent internet thing

2:56 PM me: i think in this one way since we have always existed primarily over the internet we never got to really "choose" what scene we were in.

lydia: mmhhmmm

that makes sense

me: like the way some bands are in a scene because they live in a certain area and sound a certain way and play with certain other bands.

but maybe i feel like we were never part of a scene at all too.

2:57 PM i think any scene we were part of was sort of determined by the other bands that our fans liked.

does that make sense?

lydia: yeah.

me: i wasn't kidding.

its a zine.

my favorite thing that happened yesterday:

"this google chat is a zine unto itself"

this week in changing my life:

Last week, a woman rode by me on her bike wearing this little beauty and it has basically been all over since then. I'm haunted by visions of an imitation Louis Vuitton fanny pack. Which I do not, as yet, own. Please stop me...I have my fingers on ebay and very little money.

Kulture Korner: exactly how fassst?

Kafani and Keak Da Sneak




I'm still like right there with this one.

Kulture Korner: Title Spoken by Character

I KNOW WHO KILLED ME



I KNOW WHO BLEW MY MIND.


If I told you what this movie was about you wouldn't believe me. If I told you what this movie was half about you wouldn't believe me. The basic formula, as far as I can work it out, goes a little something like this: The Parent Trap + USA Up All Night circa 1989 * The Watcher in the Woods %torture porn + stigmata * glass blowing+Luis Bunel+improvisation, possums, owls, crotch shots>willful, misguided, 88-miles-per-hour-in-a-De Lorean-bad+pilgrim costumes=I KNOW WHO KILLED ME%what remains of my brain.

Here is how IMDB has seen fit to classify it. Just keep going with the list. Once you get to "opossum" you'll know that you have passed through on towards "stabbed in the neck". May I stress: "title spoken by character".

• Body Part
• Glass
• College
• Identity
• Hospital
• Missing Person
• Mirror
• Nightclub
• Artificial Leg
• Piano
• New Identity
• Pole Dancing
• Identical Twins
• Glass Coffin
• Stalker
• Amputation
• Stripper
• Artificial Hand
• Blood
• Blue
• Bus Stop
• Computer
• Dead Body
• Torture
• Murderer
• Psychopath
• Exotic Dancer
• Secret
• Casual Sex
• Telepathy
• Rose
• Writer
• Twins
• Wheelchair
• Opossum
• Vision
• Stabbed In The Neck
• Mistaken Identity
• Story
• Stigmata
• Arm Amputation
• Severed Finger
• Severed Leg
• Title Spoken By Character

Aesthetics

It's really important that you see this, if you haven't already.

I would hate for you to be left out of the conversations about truth, beauty, and art that civilization will be having for the next two millenia:



Fosse + Hip Hop = What YouTube was made for.

"TOOTH TUNES sends music through your teeth and into your head!"

Last night someone was telling me about this but I didn't even believe them!

http://www.hasbro.com/toothtunes/default.cfm?page=HowItWorks

the best part of my weekend

77 BOA DRUM: EYE wields a trident! A TRIDENT!!!!

j'adore

Because it's never too early to think about what you're going to wear in September!

we make our own barf

Blog about fireworks? Sure. I went to Coney Island for the first time ever on Friday night. If you go to Nathan's definitely the thing to do is get the kid's meal -- it comes with a hot dog (or corn dog I think) , fries, a tiny soda, and A PRIZE (dinosaur). With tax it costs $4.61. You could pay like $8 to get the same stuff (no prize, larger drink) but why barf so early? There is still funnel cake.

The fireworks were impressive (full moon), party because we sat so close to where they set them off. And not even on purpose, they just kind of light fireworks above your head. There was this 13-year-old (?) girl sitting behind us freaking the fuck out and screaming every time a particularly loud one went off. She kept running away toward the boardwalk and at one point it sounded like she might have been crying which I of course thought was the funniest thing I had ever seen (come on. Tears of a 13-year-old girl? Hilarious). She also talked a lot about how she could "feel the heat" of the fireworks, which was also funny/absurd at first, until we realized there was burning crap falling out of the sky all around us and we were getting covered in ash.

Also, when you laugh at crying 13-year-olds you will probably have an asthma attack.

My friends went on the Wonder Wheel after the fireworks but I could not join them. I stood at the bottom while they waited in line, waved to them when they went up, and then went into the photobooth to drink a bunch of the liquor I brought with me. A couple of teenage girls went in after me and came out talking about how they did really crazy things and could never show anyone the photographs, which is totally awesome. I talked to them a little bit and they asked me if I was there alone. At first I thought they meant like, at the photobooth and said "yeah." They gave me sort of a weird look and I realized they meant AT CONEY ISLAND ON A FRIDAY NIGHT and I was like, "Oh, I mean, no. My friends are just riding the ferris wheel but I'm too scared so I'm waiting for them down here."

Then my photos came out of the machine and they were soooooo ugly.

At Coney Island there is some sort of "ride" called GHOST HOLE. Yes?

What's up?

Hey. This is Stevie Wonder on an episode of Sesame Street.

SYTYCD Beat: Praising Jesus... Solorio

So without even getting too deep into the fuckedupness of the whole So You Think You Can Dance elimination system, I think it's important we all take a moment to meditate on how FUCKED UP it is that Jesus (Chuy) Solorio - my man, my mountain, my DANCER - had to be the one to go home last night.

It's completely crazy because, hello, we all know that Danny Tidwell is an enormous jerk, and given the extensive history of jerk ballet boys on SYTYCD (Blake from season 1; Travis from season 2) there is no way Danny is going to win. (I mean he started laughing in their faces when they told him he was in the bottom three. That's like Intermediate to Advanced Level Assholery right there. And don't get me started on the fact that he and Debbie Allen, one of the guest judges, have worked together in the past, a.k.a. THIS SHIT WAS RIGGED.)

I also love how the judges keep kidding themselves into thinking this is about good dancers. You don't put a talent show on television and expect it to be about talent! Come on!



Ugh! But Jesus! So sweet! And an inspiration! I mean, were his jazz hands a little flamboyant during that weird Wade Robson Triplets of Bellville faux-Butoh "Cabaret" number? Yes. Did he have as much technical training as the other two guys? No, but - as he so slyly pointed out to racist old Nigel Lithgow - those two other guys also didn't grow up in a migrant town where the only plie-ing one got to do was done while standing in wooden barrels. Surrounded by grapes. That your people have just picked. To make wine. Wait--that joke didn't work. But you get my point!

Point being: if SYTYCD keeps on this path its been keeping on, they're about to lose me. This path's characteristics include:

1. Really condescending, half-way racist remarks ("You're like a little Ailey girl!" subtext: "You are a decent, female dancer of color and there is absolutely no place for you in the professional dance world, so any actual comments or critiques I give you would be completely wasted!" OR "You were born to do the Paso Doble!" subtext: "You're latino!" OR "I understand why [this random B-boy] is so cocky! He comes from a place where you have to be cocky to survive!" subtext: "People from the ghetto -where I seem to think breakdancing is generally practiced when in fact it isn't - are aggressive and scary. They need our sensitivity and intelligence. We must teach the savages civility!" etc. etc.)

2. Wade Robson more or less ripping off some famous shit, and having everyone call him a genius. (That's like me reciting the Illiad in a French accent while wearing a pair of JNCOs and being like, "Guys. Check out this poem I wrote.")

3. Faking like America's votes really matter when its really the judges calling the shots. Then they get mad at us when no one votes! What's the point? You're just going to get rid of all the people we actually want to see anyway, when really what we wanted you to do was get rid of their lame-ass partner!

Ricky should not have left the first week. It's fucked up you voted the girl off after she came back from the hospital and still danced the shit out of that chacha for you. You should've gotten rid of Cedric when you had the chance (Sanjaya echoes, anyone?). I didn't care too much about that guy who left last week, but it was still fucked up that you kept Cedric over him, so really Mary I don't know what you're getting all sassy about. You were apart of the team that chose his ass in the first place, so really you should be apologizing--not embarrassing him on live television.

Okay, wow this was supposed to be a one-paragraph post...

So I conclude: Listen, Jesus Solorio, if you're reading this, if you're ever in Brooklyn or NYC and need, like, a futon to sleep on or a free drink, give humangold a ring on the cellular phone or drop us an e-mail. We will TAKE YOU OUT. We will DANCE WITH YOU. It's literally the very least we could do. You inspire us!

And now for a mini Jesus retrospective:

Gold Stars

There are a number of special moments that happen inside this office on a weekly basis, and this week did not go by unscathed by the tarnish of poor fashion trappings and even some superhero getups.

Mac Girl! paid us a very special visit this week in all her black spandex, clip on roller blade glory. Her day job as a Mac technician is obviously very demanding, and it requires a lot of special accessories. Imagine for a moment you’re building an avatar of Mac Girl!: you would want to start with a lumbering body and then top it off with a thick head of blond hair that is pulled back into a mind numbing pony tail and then braid that pony tail until it extends to the waist. (Now whip your braid back and forth a bit for good measure!). Next add a black spandex cat suit and a little nylon aerodynamic jacket. Your shoes are obviously clip on roller blades (Duh! So you can rush from one Mac emergency to the next!). Now for accessories add a utility belt that you can clip your three cell phones, blackberry, 200 keys, flashlight, IPOD, water bottle, screwdriver, luna bar, and extra roller blade wheels onto. Also be sure to velcro on some random knee/elbow/hip and ankle protectors. Now when your avatar walks around in the office make sure she makes the appropriate *swish*swish* sound of a giant, hulking braid brushing against too much black nylon and spandex. Oh my god! Your avatar is so sexy! Don’t let her out of your sight! And whatever you do, don’t let her rappel in through the window—please insist that she use the door… (she is real and she is amazing -kiki)

Other fashion misdomeneors committed this week:
-Dirty hemp choker with clay beads (No! How could you?!)
-Kiki what about my sweater as a scarf look? Sometimes I feel like walking that line...
-Leather fanny pack, again and forever.

And remember it is NEVER acceptable to tell your co-worker "Nice legs!" Never! Okay? Just remember that for me. Thanks.

Shiny gold stars for everyone this week! You look fantastic!
Heart,
Becca

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