SYTYCD Beat: Praising Jesus... Solorio

So without even getting too deep into the fuckedupness of the whole So You Think You Can Dance elimination system, I think it's important we all take a moment to meditate on how FUCKED UP it is that Jesus (Chuy) Solorio - my man, my mountain, my DANCER - had to be the one to go home last night.

It's completely crazy because, hello, we all know that Danny Tidwell is an enormous jerk, and given the extensive history of jerk ballet boys on SYTYCD (Blake from season 1; Travis from season 2) there is no way Danny is going to win. (I mean he started laughing in their faces when they told him he was in the bottom three. That's like Intermediate to Advanced Level Assholery right there. And don't get me started on the fact that he and Debbie Allen, one of the guest judges, have worked together in the past, a.k.a. THIS SHIT WAS RIGGED.)

I also love how the judges keep kidding themselves into thinking this is about good dancers. You don't put a talent show on television and expect it to be about talent! Come on!



Ugh! But Jesus! So sweet! And an inspiration! I mean, were his jazz hands a little flamboyant during that weird Wade Robson Triplets of Bellville faux-Butoh "Cabaret" number? Yes. Did he have as much technical training as the other two guys? No, but - as he so slyly pointed out to racist old Nigel Lithgow - those two other guys also didn't grow up in a migrant town where the only plie-ing one got to do was done while standing in wooden barrels. Surrounded by grapes. That your people have just picked. To make wine. Wait--that joke didn't work. But you get my point!

Point being: if SYTYCD keeps on this path its been keeping on, they're about to lose me. This path's characteristics include:

1. Really condescending, half-way racist remarks ("You're like a little Ailey girl!" subtext: "You are a decent, female dancer of color and there is absolutely no place for you in the professional dance world, so any actual comments or critiques I give you would be completely wasted!" OR "You were born to do the Paso Doble!" subtext: "You're latino!" OR "I understand why [this random B-boy] is so cocky! He comes from a place where you have to be cocky to survive!" subtext: "People from the ghetto -where I seem to think breakdancing is generally practiced when in fact it isn't - are aggressive and scary. They need our sensitivity and intelligence. We must teach the savages civility!" etc. etc.)

2. Wade Robson more or less ripping off some famous shit, and having everyone call him a genius. (That's like me reciting the Illiad in a French accent while wearing a pair of JNCOs and being like, "Guys. Check out this poem I wrote.")

3. Faking like America's votes really matter when its really the judges calling the shots. Then they get mad at us when no one votes! What's the point? You're just going to get rid of all the people we actually want to see anyway, when really what we wanted you to do was get rid of their lame-ass partner!

Ricky should not have left the first week. It's fucked up you voted the girl off after she came back from the hospital and still danced the shit out of that chacha for you. You should've gotten rid of Cedric when you had the chance (Sanjaya echoes, anyone?). I didn't care too much about that guy who left last week, but it was still fucked up that you kept Cedric over him, so really Mary I don't know what you're getting all sassy about. You were apart of the team that chose his ass in the first place, so really you should be apologizing--not embarrassing him on live television.

Okay, wow this was supposed to be a one-paragraph post...

So I conclude: Listen, Jesus Solorio, if you're reading this, if you're ever in Brooklyn or NYC and need, like, a futon to sleep on or a free drink, give humangold a ring on the cellular phone or drop us an e-mail. We will TAKE YOU OUT. We will DANCE WITH YOU. It's literally the very least we could do. You inspire us!

And now for a mini Jesus retrospective:

Gold Stars

There are a number of special moments that happen inside this office on a weekly basis, and this week did not go by unscathed by the tarnish of poor fashion trappings and even some superhero getups.

Mac Girl! paid us a very special visit this week in all her black spandex, clip on roller blade glory. Her day job as a Mac technician is obviously very demanding, and it requires a lot of special accessories. Imagine for a moment you’re building an avatar of Mac Girl!: you would want to start with a lumbering body and then top it off with a thick head of blond hair that is pulled back into a mind numbing pony tail and then braid that pony tail until it extends to the waist. (Now whip your braid back and forth a bit for good measure!). Next add a black spandex cat suit and a little nylon aerodynamic jacket. Your shoes are obviously clip on roller blades (Duh! So you can rush from one Mac emergency to the next!). Now for accessories add a utility belt that you can clip your three cell phones, blackberry, 200 keys, flashlight, IPOD, water bottle, screwdriver, luna bar, and extra roller blade wheels onto. Also be sure to velcro on some random knee/elbow/hip and ankle protectors. Now when your avatar walks around in the office make sure she makes the appropriate *swish*swish* sound of a giant, hulking braid brushing against too much black nylon and spandex. Oh my god! Your avatar is so sexy! Don’t let her out of your sight! And whatever you do, don’t let her rappel in through the window—please insist that she use the door… (she is real and she is amazing -kiki)

Other fashion misdomeneors committed this week:
-Dirty hemp choker with clay beads (No! How could you?!)
-Kiki what about my sweater as a scarf look? Sometimes I feel like walking that line...
-Leather fanny pack, again and forever.

And remember it is NEVER acceptable to tell your co-worker "Nice legs!" Never! Okay? Just remember that for me. Thanks.

Shiny gold stars for everyone this week! You look fantastic!
Heart,
Becca

some of my favorites

tgif: fug connections

I’m so bored at work today, so Kiki has taken pity on me and invited me to contribute to this week’s edition of TGIF. First off, I want to tell everyone how lucky I am to work in the same office as Kiki! It’s so much fun! We eat lunch together every day and make snide comments about everyone’s fugly styles. It’s kinda like having our own blog but in real-time. Kiki and I have a lot of opinions about everything, and some how our coworkers consistently deliver crazy workplace styles that need a lot of commentary. It’s surprising how much fashion road kill you can fit into one high-end design magazine office.

Sometimes it’s actually mind blowing. Like today, I’m lucky to even have any brains left, because I’m pretty sure they were all blown out the back of my head when in walked the most toxic green sun hat I have ever seen. […pause while Kiki and I attempt to locate an image of this hat on the internet…it’s not there…it would shatter cyber-space if you tried to host this image…] It’s the green of a toxic algae bloom, it’s the brim of an extra large pizza weighed down by too much ‘roni, it could be made of raffia or just polyester masquerading as raffia, it looks like something at H&M that makes you say, “This is so wrong! How can H&M get it so wrong?” but then you put it on anyways just to see if maybe you can rock it in an America’s Next Top Model Fashion Challenge kind of way. You can’t. There’s no rocking this hat. Unless of course you’re wearing it inside right now--Dear Lord, why is she wearing this hat inside???!!! (she's wearing it inside because she needs to be lifting small weights in her office??? - kiki)

I could go on about the white sun visor and leather fannypack that are happening in the office to my left and the sophomore-year-of-college-laundry-day outfits that normally appear in the office to my right. But I’ve got to save some love for next week…

Love to all my fugs,
Becca

p.s. If any of my co-workers are reading this, you better shut your mouth right now because I will not be one of those tragic young things that gets fired for blogging about work and then tries to write a book or something. That is just shameful.

A dream

Last night I had a dream that I met a man who could change into a dolphin (or maybe it was the other way around?), except it wasn't a dolphin -- in my dream dolphins were called something else. We totally fell in love and walked around on the boardwalk (where I have no idea). Have a nice weekend.
xo
kiks

tgif: paris hilton

Okay, I know I know, but I've been following the Paris Hilton story pretty closely on the internet today. She has supposedly just been hauled out of court screaming and crying after being told by the judge that she must return to jail immediately. And the thing is, I think she's an idiot and a fairly heinous person, but I feel kind of bad for her today. Is that completely crazy? I don't really think she's been treated unfairly per se -- especially taking into account the people in jail who are like, totally innocent, and what jail is like for regular people who are not Paris Hilton -- she seems like she's having a really fucked up day. Why would I be empathetic? I dunno, I am an empath. Girl is freaking out. (However, I love how super weird Nicole Richie is being. Like, freaking out about potential jail time and walking around with a towel over her head? Amazing.)