CLAWS

FUCK A WORLD WITHOUT ZIMA

goodbye, old friend.

WHA????

OMG are you serious?

http://gmailblog.blogspot.com/2008/10/new-in-labs-stop-sending-mail-you-later.html

Basically, you can turn on a setting that makes you solve a few math problems if you're trying to send an email late at night. Like a captcha, but WAY MORE AWESOME. Anyway, I just activated it, and set it so that I always have to solve math problems to send email. Actually, I set it it up so that I have to solve math problems between the hours of noon and 4am because YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN I MIGHT BE DRUNK.

Save Me From Craigslist

Greetings. So I (Kirsten) still am looking for 2 roommates (on the off chance I didn't email you, or you didn't see any of my posts on MyFace or whatever). Here's the deets:

2 rooms avail in 3 bedroom Bed-Stuy duplex, each $700/month + security deposit (1 month)
1.5 bathrooms, all rooms have closets, windows, are totally big
next door to community garden
off the Franklin C & shuttle, close to G trains
November 1st

I am looking for someone awesome. I am also about to embark on a weird week of meeting people who responded to my Craigslist ad for coffee, trying to decide if I'm even gonna show them the place.

ANYWAY! Spread the word, and if you know anyone in need of housing send them my way.

xoxo

Oh Hello

What we talk about, wordle-stylee.

The Lady Kristeva and Mr. Met, a comparison.

abject loser.







abject foxiness.


discuss.

What I Learned at the Medieval Fest

Gentle readers,

So yesterday I went to the Medieval Fest up at Fort Tryon park (NATCH). It was super humid and muddy/soggy and mostly like this weird gauntlet of turkey legs and fried dough and goth teenagers. We were kind of watching the joust, and then I was all "methinks I need a cup of mead" (probably on account of being like hilariously hung over from tiki bar, whatever, I'm all about THEMES) but what I always always forget is that mead is totally sickenating. I chose the "dry traditional" based on my memory of some past mead (drunk with some wenches at the Renaissance Faire circa 2003) which was too sweet and so gross, but "dry traditional" tasted like elf pee or something. So, don't drink mead! But maybe we should, because um, the Long Island Meadery's bottle of "sweet traditional" features this label:

HAPPY EQUINOX!

Now it's fall. Sunset tonight at 6:52pm.

good morning

Stuff I Might Go To

Monday 9/22:

A little band I like to call Gold Dust will play with Eat Skull, Little Claw, Psychedelic Horseshit, etc. at DEATH BY AUDIO. We're playing first, so don't show up too late.

49 S. 2nd Street.

ROOMS 4 RENT

Gentle Readers,

A friend of mine has 2 rooms opening up in his Sunset Park apartment, right off the 9th Ave D train (also close to the M and R trains). He's looking for queer/trans (or queer or trans-friendly), clean, non-meat-cooking roommates who wouldn't mind having an adorable tiny dog around some of the time. Rent is $633/month and the rooms are available 10/15 and 11/1.

If you are interested or know anyone please email us (humangoldcorp@gmail.com) and we'll put you in touch.

xoxo

The End of Summer

My favorite thing in New York City:

End of Summer Plans?

Click here then click here.

the olympics

i can't begin to parse out my feelings about these mascots.

more olympics

THERE ARE PEOPLE INSIDE OF HERE.

AM I THE ONLY TOTALLY FREAKED OUT MY THAT??? WE NEED TO POP THEM OUT.

STAT.

the olympics

NO.

sleuthing

I saw something interesting on Google Maps today re: the G train:



View Larger Map


Please note the Fort Hamilton Parkway stop. I've been hearing about some extended G service a little bit, but it's kind of awesome to see it right there on (my beloved) Google Maps. I did some sleuthing (as my boss calls it) and found this on the G train Wikipedia page:

The MTA has announced a three-year rehabilitation of the Culver Viaduct from 2009–2012. As part of that project, the G service, which currently terminates at Smith–Ninth Streets, will be permanently extended to Church Avenue.

How useful it actually winds up being will probably depend on whether or not I still live in the same neighborhood and whether or not I still have a friend or two down in Flatbush or by the park. Anyway. Happy Friday.

duh

I found these on Facebook today:














They are totally amazing. Also I did that thing where you have Facebook look through your (email) address book to find friends and apparently MY MOM IS ON FACEBOOK.

FYI

J

Due to Emergency Work

Manhattan-bound J trains skip Flushing Av, Lorimer, and Hewes Sts

Jun 21, 6 AM to 6 PM, Saturday

For service to/from these stations transfer at, Myrtle Av to a Manhattan-bound J or Marcy Av (get a ticket) to a Queens-bound J.

M

Due to Emergency Work

Free shuttle buses replace M trains between Metropolitan Av and Myrtle Av-Broadway

Jun 21, 6 AM to 6 PM, Saturday

Its Come to This

http://www.matadorrecords.com/mpeg/earles_and_jensen/earles_and_jensen_barbara.mp3

http://www.matadorrecords.com/mpeg/earles_and_jensen/earles_and_jensen_bedroom_eta.mp3

you guys

http://nordique.muxtape.com

I finally finished it.

re: IKEA Brooklyn/Taylor Dayne

One thing (of many) I forgot about last Friday was The Grand Opening of IKEA Brooklyn, which happens TOMORROW. Have you noticed that the B61 buses are now reprogrammed with "IKEA" as their destination? If you go to the website - http://info.ikea-usa.com/Brooklyn/ - there is a countdown with hours, minutes, and seconds at the top of the screen. It's basically the most overstimulating thing on the internet and I can't stop looking at it. It's also kind of giving me the fear. (Though the videos and ads where they building NYC out of cardboard boxes are kind of awesome.) I'm obsessed. I am replacing smoking with GARDENING and BLOGGING.



Found this today too:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080617/ap_en_ot/people_taylor_dayne
Just, you know, keeping up with some of the more important topics of this blog.

re: things I bought that I love

They are from the Jessica Simpson collection. They are hideous. I love them. If you look here you will have your mind blown. Because that website doesn't even look real. But I did learn this from it:

"Blessed with talent, charm and enviable appeal, Jessica Simpson is that name which has been the epicenter of some of the major reforms in the music, fashion, and entertainment industry. A multi talented artist, gifted with universal appeal, she has already established herself as an international star and shows no signs of slowing down."

What does that even mean? Some of the major reforms?? She's like totally nailing these gold 20 dollar shoes to the door of the Wittenberg Church, brah.

MUXTAPE

I love this muxtape thingymabobber. I love it so much that I decided to accompany my routine whiskey drinking with an upload-binge of remixes, edits, and tracks by Todd Terje, a Scandinavian early 20-something who re-works otherwise perfect disco and pop songs into 6 to 8 minutes of whoah-holy-christ-fuck-wow-how'd-he-make-it-better. To anyone who has not heard his Chic and Michael Jackson edits: get ye to this other side of this link.

And please share yr muxtapes in the comments section! (PS, it's free to register.)

Steampunk

I didn't really know that "steampunk" was also kind of a style. It's like if you woke up one day and had gone totally bonkers and were convinced you were living inside of that computer game MYST or something. Which is amazing and totally repellent. And you could wonder things like "Where did I put my BRASS GOGGLES?"

Anyway, more pictures here.

You Guys!

Partly because I am pretty hung over, this made me weep a little bit at work today: http://www.georgetakei.com/

Also because I love George Takei like I love Alien vs. Predator.

Congratulations, George Takei!!!!!!

BTW

This website is really good.

Open Thread re: MTV's The Real World in Brooklyn

OK, the Gothamist just reported that MTV's The Real World will commence filming the 21st season/level of Hell in Brooklyn this summer. The location is yet to be determined, although my logical side says that their loft of douchebaggery will be located somewhere in Williamsburg (maybe in that ugly building on the northeast side of McCarren Park, the one that looks like it was phoned in from Miami) and my sadistic side hopes (but doubts) they will just purchase a floor in the McKibbin Lofts because let's face it, that place is already a joke.

Let's brainstorm some terrible yet not illegal things we can do to them. Option one: the Turkeys Nest has large cheap take-out cups of beer that can easily be spilled during a stroll through McCarren Park!

Spotted: JULIA ROBERTS

Today I shopped for produce right next to Julia Roberts (who has twins by the names of Hazel and Phinnaeus, btw) in the Chelsea Whole Foods. I just thought you should know. (Also, she blew my mind slightly by being shorter than me. I always imagined she would be like 6'2" for some reason. Nigel Barker blew my mind in exactly the same way, except he's extremely handsome in person.)

xoxo
gossip human

this is how I feel.

Not with a bang but a beamz Music Performance System (TM)

Gothic Singles

We pride ourselves in having real gothic personals where real gothic members are looking to meet other like minded goth friends. Online dating for people into the goth scene has never been easier.

http://www.gothscene.com/

You Guys

Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society:

Bai Ling's blog.

It sort of fills the void left by the not-updated-in-over-a-year twee fashion blog.

I declare this meeting of the Midnight Society closed.

sleep strike

I can't even sleep until some website confirms or denies the Beyonce/Jay-Z marriage thingy. How can I even be expected to sleep? That is crazy.

Yes, and sadly...NO

1) Yes! Finally. Many of my childhood dreams will have come true, if you just let me be in this musical, perhaps choreograph it. (I already gave on the one about learning to talk to dolphins by giving a baby headphones and making said baby grow up listening to dolphins so as to be bi-lingual.)(But not the one where I have a shirt that looks like the outfit/dress thing that Kristi Yamaguchi wore in the Olympics. Never that one.)
2) NO! Reading through the plot synopsis is vaguely horrifying.
Why must everything good turn out bad? Electric Youth... the musical is obviously not about mid-level bankers from New York City who go to Minnesota for a visit. Am I totally wrong about that? Why doesn't anybody ever ask me these things. Sigh.

xo


(beautiful, right?)

So I was listening to npr at work as I am wont to do...

So check this. Go to ye olde npr.com and search "Madeline Albright: In your ear"

The world is making more or less sense now, depending.

xo

Nice April Fools Day Joke, Citibank

Who decides to re-design my personal accounting web-page, which requires shutting it down for hours on end, in the middle of tax time? Citibank, you fools, you've ruined my day.

The Past in the Future

Tell it to my heart
Tell me I'm the only one
Is this not the song that made Fergie's caree-ee-er?

I have found the limit of the internet

OK, so. This morning I'm walking with my girlfriend to the A train when she suddenly busts out singing this maybe late '80s, maybe early 90s, maybe mid '90s dance song that goes something like this: "...Tearing up my heart / Tell me I'm the only one / Tell me is this love / Or just a game." I know this song, I remember the melody well, I immediately join her in singing those lyrics, which I'm about 95% sure are correct. When we stop singing it, I ask her the name of the song and the performer. She says, "You know, the one that goes," and she starts humming and then singing the verse of "Together Forever" by Rick Astley, which I tell her is impossible because I remember a woman singing that song and Rick Astley is nothing if not a man. When I get back to my apartment I say to my roommate, "Oh, do you remember that song, um, I think it goes..." and I start humming and then singing what I'm certain is the song in question but which I soon realize is the verse to Cece Peniston's "Finally" -- glorious in its own right, no doubt, but definitely not the song in question. I just spent the past 15 minutes googling various combinations of the lyrics above... TO NO AVAIL. I have found the limit of the internet. It is apparently this song. I did learn this, though: asking someone "tell me is this love or just a game?" is cliche as hell. Do you have any idea how many times singers have implored absent lovers with this line? I found out. Too many times.

So I turn to you, Human Gold readers; you, with your accumulated knowledge of things strange and wonderful; you, the archivists of songs you enjoyed in those tender years circa 1987-1995. Help me save this song from the dustbins!

i'm not going to write humangold a love song
cause it asked for it
cause it needs one

Sex Garbage

Has anyone seen the new subway ads for the second season of The Tudors? They're kinda like this:

I've been gone for a minute...

Peace.

More Excerpts From Our Zine

2:07 PM nordique: www.mymms.com

you can get custom m&ms printed for valentines day

but it's like soooooo expensive

2:08 PM and they won't print m&m's with "sex santa"

because it's "potentially offensive"

they will, however, print "skin santa"

eagles: thats what i was going to ask

nordique: i know

i'm sure they will also print

"scat canyon"

2:09 PM eagles: get it!

nordique: no way!

you have to spend at least almost $50

2:10 PM

i had it all worked out. just a mixture of different color m&ms that all say "LEATHER JEANS"

it would have been incredible.

2:11 PM http://www.mymms.com/customprint/

2:12 PM eagles: i made some gold and orange ones that said human gold.

2:13 PM but i couldn't figure out how to send it to you.

nordique:

what if i sent you a giant box of M&Ms that said "SKIN SANTA"

would you even be able to eat them?

eagles: i would eat all of them.

nordique: ha!

2:14 PM eagles: i would eat them even if they said sex poison

or lydia sucks

nordique: or just "suck it"

eagles: done

bad thing

nordique: fine.

eaten.

i want mine to say "wild thing"

or "totally feral"

eagles: cave candy

nordique: or "kiki puke"

eagles: candy

cave girl

human female

2:15 PM

poop document

nordique: ghost hole

eagles: span

2:16 PM dex

nordique:

MARY

KATE

eagles: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nordique: i'm gonna get you soooo many MK M&Ms

eagles: i will eat them

nordique: you better

DR.

CRUSHER

2:17 PM eagles: bev

crusher

or

jean

luc

nordique:

just

2:18 PM "WORF"

eagles: worf

is raw

nordique: OMG

2:20 PM jensen ackles

eagles: OMG

yes!

nordique: i know right?

2:21 PM eagles: i want pink and aqua m&ms to say jensen ackles

or brown ones that say like

neil young

I Just Got This Email From My Sister:

yesterday was my last day at the pizza place and we made milkshakes. i got to put the ingredients in. i chose chocolate, mint oreo and cake batter fudge for the ice cream. then i added chocolate milk and half and half. then i put in chocolate sauce. and THEN i added a piece of chocolate cake. to top it off i put fresh whipped cream and more chocolate sauce. it was really really good. i thought you might want to know.

Hello Old Friend

Just kind of casually drinking some Sparks late-night style.

underconsidered genius of the modern age:

enjoying a fine beverage and
currently listening to:



just a thought.

Her autobiography is one of the most incredible books I have ever read.
I forgot to tell you guys that.

!!!!!

sweet.

If you missed it:

The "Gunecologist"?!!??!!!????!?!

With a name like that, with hands so glorious, with a song so sweet, how could I not post?

mavis staples

is shooting a potato gun or something. seeing her at bam was like a rainbow in the brain.

You Guys

Cadbury Creme Eggs. It is your time again.

The Grateful Ineffectual

These past few days have been some kinda ineffectual. Of the few important things that I have managed to accomplish, learning how to spell ineffectual is one. Discovering this record mysteriously on my itunes is the second. When did I do that? How did I know? Does that make it ok? I'm just letting you guys know what direction things are going in today in case you want to stop me. Anybody? Anybody?

Kulture Korner: bored meditations

Young Marble Giants: Best Band That Never Realized How Awesome They Truly Were (Cos They Would've Put Out More Albums If They Had); or Simply The Best Band Ever? Maybe they are more awesome for only putting out one very magical album? Here is a picture of them in a boat.

Colossal Youth keeps my morning coffee warm. I am trying to figure out a song upon which to bestow "best song" status. Right now it is a toss up between "Searching for Mr. Right," "Eating Noddemix," "Constantly Changing," "N.I.T.A.," "Choci Loni," "Wurlitzer Jukebox," "Salad Days," "Credit in the Straight World," "Brand - New - Life," "Wind in the Rigging," "Cakewalking," and "Ode to Booker T." (That list was really pointless.) I give you 5 stars in my iTunes rating system, Giants. You guys rule(d). I am feeling you so hard. You are like the inverse of my other love, Steely Dan: completely undressed, almost painfully literal, no attempt at singing, an almost faulty emphasis on simplicity. Here are some lyrics.

Yesterday we were always laughing
Always good for a laugh in passing
Stepping outside of the rules for asking

Misery passes and so does crying
Just look around
when you feel like dying
Stepping outside of the rules
when trying

Hopeless cases will drag you under
Fiery lovers will make you blunder
Tearing all the rules asunder

Trying to cakewalk but it's too boring
Coming to life at four in the morning
You think you're alive
But then you're just yawning

I don't completely relate to those lyrics, cos I go to bed at like midnight, TOPS, unless I am drinking bourbon, but that is OK, I totally dig what you are getting at. Elsewhere you told me, in a very beautiful way, that maybe I don't need to really know what you are on about to be totally rapt by what you are saying: "This doesn't mean that I possessed you / You're haunting me because I let you." And I think those two lines kinda sum up perfectly my relationship with this record? I am not sure how. But I think they do. Also, you have serious zings. Here is one: "I don't need you to love me / I don't need you to care / Take your body from by me / Be yourself over there." Crucial. That is like the kind of zing that makes my jaw hit the floor because it is so tight! So economic! So complete! Devastating. Please don't anyone ever say that to me directly. I think maybe this is kinda like what Kate Bush is getting at in "Running Up that Hill," except she's way more ambivalent about the whole thing, she kinda wants mindmeld, but she also kinda wants this d-bag to leave her, that's why she is taunting her addressee with rhetorical questions and stuff about bullets at the same that her most affecting couplet is on some serious death-drive type shit: "So much hate for the ones we love / Tell me we both matter, don't we?" But Allison Stratton is much more sure-minded, much more interested in singularity than cosmic and quasi-religious empathy. It's just a shame that I could never rock you (or for that matter find you) at karaoke. Kate Bush does have that going for her.

Open Letter

To the guy who keeps walking around behind me: I am in the library trying to do work that I should have completed, oh, about a motherfucking month ago. I would appreciate it if you would sit in yr seat like everyone else in this study area despite the attraction you so obviously have for something/one that I cannot see yet sense is somewhere near me. I guarantee you that it is simultaneously boring itself and bored with you. While I am not usually one to speak for another's desire, the boredom whom/whatever feels for you probably has something to do with yr bald head; why it is itself boring, I do not know, but I hope you take it to heart and leave it be. So what we have is actually a complete disinterest that you yourself seem unable to recognize but of which you deserve to be informed. Stop. For yr sake (which is covertly mine).

If you insist on continuing to move around behind me instead of staying in yr seat, I at least ask that you do not do the following two things: first, tap on the edge of my desk like one of those people who needs to touch everything they pass (you don't need to touch everything you pass although I do give you credit for a damn admirable job of doing so thus far); two, do not give me a dirty look when you see that I am reading Ne-Yo's biography on last.fm. Am I listening to "Because of You (Remix)" featuring Kanye West on repeat? Yes. But it is none of yr business. Do not look at my screen and do not act like whatever you see there is worthy of yr opinion. You clearly have a profound civic duty that consists of hating on fresh and sexy things - things such as Ne-Yo and good jackets. (That's right, yr jacket sucks. Stay seated.) So I ask that you put a collar on yr rabid sense of citizenship and not admonish me while also annoying the living fuck out of me. It is clear why you don't like Ne-Yo, but I was excited to learn that his friend nicknamed him "Neo" after Keanu Reeves' character in The Matrix and that he changed the spelling to reflect, in abbreviated form, his love for the city New York.

Also, even when you sit in yr seat, with yr legs propped up on the desk like you own this motherfucking place, you annoy me. You really should just go.

xoxo,
Melody

Something I Saw

We were transferring from the J train to the uptown F at Essex/Delancey on New Year's Eve and I totally saw this girl barfing into her plastic "Happy New Year" top hat. So incredible.

You guys. Happy New Year.